Let’s face it, the American dream really is to drive.

The only way there is through The DMV

My first experience with the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) was 1982? I got my permit that spring and for the summer went to Vermont to work as a Landscaper with my father. He was driving a Buick Estate Wagon with a 455. This thing was about 18 feet long and fast. I wasn’t really supposed to be driving in Vermont. We went to Plattsburg across Lake Champlain to take my drivers test. All we had for wheels was that old Estate Wagon. We had to get up at 5AM to drive there and be ready for the test. I was the first test of the day and this guy comes out who looked to be about 90 with white cotton socks and a suit and tie on. He gets in and straps the seat belt on and tells me to go to the light and take a right. Then, he tells me to take the next available left. I guess “available” means not the one way street I turned down the wrong way. So I can see that the next intersection is clear, so, in true style, I punched it and made another left back onto two way fare. When I looked over, the guy literally had his fingernails gouged into the dash and a panic look on his face. He told me to go up and take another left and park back where we started. Needless to say, I failed.

I bought a 1971 Jeep Wagoneer up in Vermont. It was a real piece of shit. It had a steel drum strapped right to the tailgate inside the back. The rust from it plugged up the works and it wouldn’t run over 45 without dying. I cleaned it all out and put new filters in it. Unfortunately, some of the rust got into the carburetor, and it wouldn’t run under 45 without flooding. This could get pretty exciting around town. Not to mention that only one brake worked. We got her pretty road legal and headed back to New York for school. I was living with Chris Chojnacki, so his dad helped me learn to drive. They had a big Lincoln Continental painted electric blue. Man, I don’t know what it is with these boats, but I had to take my second test in it. We went down to Warsaw to practice a little before the test. It even says on the form “do not practice in test area”. I’m trying to parallel park this crate and I’ve got it up on the lawn wedged between two cars when this guy gets out of a car in the middle of the street and comes up to my window. “you know you’re not supposed to practice in the test area, now get back to the parking lot and wait.” I actually passed, woo hoo!!

Later, when I was in the military, I was stationed in the country of Texas. I’d had this Norton my dad gave me and figured it was about time to get my motorcycle licence. I went down and took the written test and then went back up to the counter to sign up for the driving portion. She asked when I wanted to take it, and I said now would be great. She looked at the schedule and told me to wait over there. This deputy sheriff comes up to me and asks, “are you the one who wants to take the test?” He told me to go out back and get ready. So I put my helmet on and fired up the Norton. I’m waiting by the door and the deputy comes out and asks “where is the car for me to ride in?” I told him I don’t have one then he asks “well, how did you get the bike down here” well, I just rode it. He shook his head and said “never mind, I’ll follow you in the squad car. If you make any mistakes, you fail and you’re walking home”.

I worked for the Air Force Office of Security Police (AFOSP) in New Mexico. Every year we had a competition for all the security police. It was a pretty big event and we had a lot of VIP’s that show up for the competition. A bus was reserved form the motorpool and waited I the parking lot. Unfortunately, nobody arranged for a driver. Literally, there was a bus load of generals and colonels sitting in the parking waiting. I told my boss, “I can drive that bus”. I think he may have heard I’m authorized to drive that bus. Fuck It, I’ve driven just about every type of equipment, I can handle a bus. Took me a couple seconds to figure out how to work the air brake system. After that, it was a nice drive in the park. Naturally, when I got out of the military, I wanted them to add all this new equipment to my civilian driver’s license.

I always knew the commercial driver’s license would pay off. When I got laid off out in Oregon, Travis got me a job driving plow trucks for Beaver Creek resort in Colorado. Anybody who has shoveled the snow out of the driveway and finished just as the plow truck was coming through will understand how much fun this job is. The plow trucks are truly massive and have like 20 different things to control. On the resort there are some 14% grades, so after a storm it is a challenge.

Then there were the artcars.

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